Navigating Family Issues During The Holidays

Holidays are stressful at the best of times. But if you’re separated or divorced and trying to navigate how to celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah with minor children, things can get extremely unpleasant, complex, and/or emotional. If you have divorced or are divorcing and have minor children, the Maryland courts require that you have a parenting plan to deal with child custody issues. A parenting plan is a written document that outlines the legal and physical custody issues for the child. Legal custody involves decision-making authority in areas such as education, health, religion, welfare, and other important matters. Physical custody refers to where children will live and the percentage of time they will spend there.  

Some parents have a visitation schedule in their parenting plan that addresses holidays as part of their child custody agreement, but not all do. But since holidays are an integral and important part of family life, an experienced Bethesda family law attorney will usually recommend that the issue be addressed in writing in the plan if at all possible.  Some arrangements are as follows:

• Alternating holidays – Parents take turns celebrating holidays with their children. As an example, one parent may have the children for Thanksgiving, and the other will have them for Christmas.
• Splitting the holiday – For parents who live in close proximity to each other, splitting the holiday can be a good option. The kids spend Christmas morning with one parent, for example, and the afternoon with the other parent. 
• Celebrating together – If you and your spouse have a good relationship, celebrating the holidays together as a family provides a sense of continuity and community for the children. This option requires close cooperation and communication between the parents.
• Create new traditions – You could also create new traditions after divorce. This could mean choosing a totally different day to celebrate a holiday, or celebrating with new traditions, such as taking a trip away from home or doing meaningful community volunteering.  New Year’s Eve could be an opportune time to volunteer at a soup kitchen, for example.

If you have holidays included in your parenting plan, try to stick to the agreement. If you don’t, try to get holiday planning done in advance. This might require some readjustment of expectations and an extra dose of flexibility. And make sure you set expectations by letting your child know about changes to the standard visitation schedule or the way you normally do things.

Here are some other suggestions to help you navigate family issues during the holidays and reduce the stress for divorced families:

Keep Your Child’s Best Interests in Mind

As you were going through your divorce and working through child support and child custody issues, we feel sure that your lawyer or judge often used the phrase “the best interests of the child.” What’s in the best interests of the child is the keystone from which judges make decisions about a child’s physical and legal custody. So why not apply that mantra here? Holidays are, in many places and in many cultures, primarily for kids. Don’t let anger and spats between you and your ex-spouse get in the way of your child’s enjoyment of the holidays. Young children often lack a framework to understand hostility between their parents, and can internalize it with anxiety and confusion. Older children often simply just hunger for peace during the holiday, and are not asked to take sides. So do your best to keep your child’s best interests in mind as you navigate the holiday time.

Coordinate Gifts

Gift giving can be tricky during the holidays. If one parent rushes out to buy all the top ten toys on your kids’ list, and the other parent is left buying socks, there’s bound to be some consternation. If possible, avoid competing with each other. Some divorced parents coordinate with each other, and often buy presents jointly. Remember that gifts don’t compensate for what children have lost – an intact family – and try to create some coordination and family community where you can.

Maintain Consistency When Possible

Consistent rules and schedules are what children want, even if their actions make it seem otherwise.  Create boundaries that you and your children can live by, and enforce them. Some families find that creating daily schedules during the holidays, which can set expectations and reinforce consistency, is helpful during the emotional holiday times.

Other Financial and Logistical Issues

There are bound to be many other issues that arise as you plan your post-divorce holidays. For example, who will pay for travel? If one parent plans a trip that requires flights or hotels, your parenting plan or court order may specify how the costs are divided. If it doesn’t, reaching a written agreement before booking travel helps avoid future disputes.

How do support payments work around the holidays? In most cases, regular support payments continue without interruption, even during periods of holidays, extended visitation, or travel. But you may have a different arrangement regarding support and alimony.

What happens if anticipated holiday costs increase? While it’s natural to spend more during the season, extra costs, such as gifts or activities, typically aren’t reimbursable by the other parent unless both of you agree in writing.

How should local transportation be handled? Clear drop-off and pick-up arrangements, including dates, times, and meeting places, can reduce stress. 

So many things change after a divorce. It’s not just the holidays that need to be rethought. You have to reorganize your life, your finances, and your responsibilities. If you are struggling, you may want to consider divorce mediation. Divorce mediation can address post-divorce modifications. 

Contact the Law Offices of Brandon Bernstein, LLC

Here at the Law Offices of Brandon Bernstein, LLC, we have the experience to help you with all of your family law needs. We take our responsibility to our clients seriously and strive to achieve the very best possible result for you. We also strongly believe that the best outcomes result from collaborative action and encourage efforts in that regard. Have a happy holiday, and don’t hesitate to contact us if we can be of help.